A few months ago I quit my job, in the hope that I could have my soul back. It didn't come back suddenly, but has only been trickling in in dribs and drabs. My money has run out, and I'm down to $16 in the bank. I did have another job on a contract til christmas. It's over now. So I have no income and am sitting on not even enough money to pay for food for the next few weeks. Yes, I have a credit card to help me get petrol, etc, but the longer I go using it without a job, the more of a debt I rack up. I'm not against the use of credit cards like many people are. If it weren't for a credit card, I couldn't have afforded petrol last week. But I am aware that once I get a job, I will need to direct all my dollars to that card for a short while.

I've moved out of leederville and am currently housesitting Renae's mum's house until about the 15th of Jan. Then, I suspect I shall be returning home to live with my folks. I really do not want to do this, but I can't really afford anything else. I suppose it's a luxury. Some people's parents wouldn't take them back, some people just get forced to live on the street. I have considered this, though.

All I know is that at present, I am not fond of my character. I know the ways in which I need to change, I just don't know how to make it happen. I am hopefully seeing a cousellor next week, a payment which I shall fire through on credit card- I think it's important.

Sometimes I'm just an overgrown kid trying to figure out how to exist properly in this world.

Also, I saw some cuts of the shortfilm I've been in. It was interesting. Definately not perfect, and the thing that bothers me the most is my skin. Camera picks up shaving rash and dimples from scars all too easily. Film industry is mighty vain. I ought to see a dermatologist asap or just become a better drummer and not even try at performance.

I've been learning alot about my life lately. I say my life and not explicitly myself because it includes my surroundings, and the effect of other people/ things on me. I've been slowly establishing what exactly my character is and I haven't been all that pleased. I still feel significantly crushed and shaped by other people and I'm tired of it. In many ways it's my own fault, but in other ways it isn't. I didn't choose to be shaped like this, but other people in my position wouldn't have been so affected as I am.

None-the-less, I'm on the brink of taking back a lot of elements to myself that I feel I've lost. I often feel that churchy-ness breeds 'nice' people, and I've been one of them. I'm sick of being nice. Even Jesus wasn't 'nice'! Yet the contemporary idea of someone who follows him is someone who is excessively nice. I feel like telling people who are out-of-line that they are exactly that. What good is being nice when people treat you with such disrespect?

boy, oh boy, I cannot wait to get out of this house...